Friday, April 29, 2011

Playwrights Project Scene 1 for Feedback

Destiny L.
Per. 4
April 21,2011
Scene One
Characters:        Nicole- 11 year old girl, native American, dark brown hair, brown                  eyes, small pink lips, olive skin tone.

            Rose-  14 year old girl, native American, blond hair, brown eyes,                 white skin tone
            Mary- 13 year old girl, native American, black hair, brown eyes, olive                 skin tone
            Grandma Lupe- 68 years old woman, native American, burgundy                 hair, olive skin tone
Setting:         Corona, CA, In living room watching T.V. 12:36 PM, November 6, 2006
At Rise:         Grandma Lupe is on her cellphone and lets out a cry of agony, and `                collapses to her knees, crying
Rose
[rushes quickly to her grandma, urgent tone]
Grandma! What’s wrong? What happened?
Nicole and Mary
[with same urgent tone]
Who was that?  What happened?
Grandma Lupe
[Lifts her head and in a broken cry speaks]
He’s gone.Nicole, Mary, And Rose
[with a startled look and distraught tones]
Who? Who is gone? Who?!
Grandma Lupe
                Your dad passed away tonight.
Nicole
[Mary and Rose start crying, Nicole says in a denial tone]
No he’s not gone. We just saw him today. He was fine! He’s fine, he is still here!
[Crying now]
Grandma Lupe
[Starting to collect strength to get up]
I got to go.Rose
No grandma! Where are you going?
Grandma Lupe
[Closing her eyes to stop from crying,starting to walk, voice cracking between words]
I have to go make the arrangements and collect his belongings.
Nicole
[Starting to get up]
Take me with you, I want to go see my daddy.
[pleading]
Please Grandma?
Grandma Lupe
[Shaking her head, Getting her purse, walking towards front door]
I’m sorry, But this time you can’t come with me. Stay here and try and get some rest.
[Turning to rose]
Take care of them please.
Rose
[Crying]
Okay grandma.
                        Mary
[Wiping her tears,sitting down]
I cant believe it. How could this have happened?
Nicole
[In denial]
He is not gone, he cant be we just seen him today.
Rose
[Starting to cry again]
Nicole HE IS GONE! Just please accept it.
Nicole
[Hits the wall and cries in rose’s arms]
But why?
Rose
[holding Nicole tightly, crying again]
We don’t know yet. Grandma will tell us when she comes back.
Nicole
[Trying to speak clearly]
Whens his funeral? Can we say a speech there?

Rose
[Drying her eyes and rubbing Nicole’s arm]
I don’t know, I can call grandma if you want, she should know by now.
[Nicole nods]
Mary
[Bringing Rose the phone]
Can you ask if I can make one too?
Rose
[Dialing the number, holding the phone to her ear]
Yea I can.
[Moves to a far corner]
Nicole
[Speaking to Mary]
Are you okay?
Mary
[Shaking her head and putting her clenched hands to her mouth]
I just cant believe it, I mean we just seen him earlier today.
Nicole
[Crying again]
I know.
Mary
Only two weeks since we came back to live with him and...
[Cuts her sentence short]
Nicole
[yawning]
I just want to go to sleep, wake up, and this have never happened.
Mary
I know what you mean, But we will wake up and he will still be gone
Nicole
[Looking towards Rose]
I know, but I just wish it could be that way.
Rose
[walking towards Nicole and Mary, drying her eyes]
Grandma said he passed away in his sleep, They have no idea why it just happened.
The funeral is on Thursday and she said we can write a speech if we want to.
Nicole
[Glaring at rose]
How can you be so unemotional?You don’t even care.
Rose
[Astounded]
How can you even think that? I am trying to keep it together for you guys.
Nicole
[highers her voice a little]
Yea right. Today you even made him cry because he dropped his water on his pants and you said to people he peed himself, Do you know how bad that hurt him? Do you even care?
Rose
[Crying]
Oh yeah coming from you, You haven't seen him at all since we moved back, you barely went to see him today I been going everyday to see him while all you care about is your little friends.
Nicole
[Crying hardly]
I know I haven't went to see him. It’s too hard for me to see him like that. I didn’t want to see him ill. I want to see my daddy as he was still healthy. Of course you wouldn’t understand that
Mary
[Covering her ears and shouts]
Can you guys just stop! We all know that we all love dad and he loves us all equally too.
Rose
[Nodding]
I know I'm sorry Nicole I get what you are saying I didn’t want to see him like that either.
Nicole
[Crying]
Thank you for apologizing and I’m sorry for telling you that you don’t care for him, I am still upset about losing him.
Rose
I love you guys, everything is going to be fine, we can get through this.
Mary and Nicole
We love you too.
Nicole
[grabbing paper and pencils]
Lets start writing the speeches
[Rose and Mary nod]
[All sit down on the floor and start writing their speeches]
END SCENE


What could I add to this scene to make it better?

1 comment:

  1. Great job on your first scene. The good thing that your scence has is that ot keeps the reader wanting to read more. I like it and I can't wait to read your second scene. Im sorry about the loss!

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